Daily Anxiety Thoughts and Feelings

Intro: I wrote this little blurb to share my story, so that you may one day be able to share yours. We all have our own story to tell. We're meant to experience life in our own unique ways. No two people will share the same exact story through life. This is what makes us so unique, yet at the same time, so much the same. We are all in this together, and the more we are able to share our innermost, deepest thoughts and feelings with each other, the closer we will become. Compassion and empathy will be more second nature to us, and not emotions that have to be worked on over time. We won’t feel so alone. And, sometimes, when we are in the thick of it inside our heads, we can be our own worst enemies. Even if we’re in the heart of New York City, we might as well be in the middle of Siberia or the Sahara Desert with no one in 1000 miles. When left to our own devices, it can easily spiral into an endless rabbit hole of faults, flaws, and failures. Never mind the repeating record, the vicious cycle of negative and doubting self-talk. We can be so mean to ourselves. So unforgiving. For all of you out there who have felt this way at some point in your life, know that you are not alone. I have seen the darkness. Hell, there are plenty of days where I am still in the darkness, and I wish I were exaggerating. It’s the worst feeling in the world to think like you are dying, and then have to somehow drive an hour to perform an hour and half’s worth of songs putting on a happy face the entire time and then do it all over the next day. I’ve lived it. I’ve done it. I’m still doing it. Why? Because life is a gift. Because I am not going to let my fears stop me from going outside and making a difference in others lives. Because I know that, ‘this too, shall pass’. Many things in this life are temporary, so if we have to suffer a little bit here and there, then we suffer. And we do it with a smile on our face. We do it because we know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and we will not always be in the darkness...even if the darkness is where you feel most at peace (this will make more sense as the story unfolds). You are brave. You are amazing. You are beautiful. You are an inspiration. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Story: What started out as an astute observation on a road trip out to Michigan that made everyone bust at the seams in laughter, has now turned into a paralyzing every day fear. My worst nightmare. A living hell. Little did I know that when Paul said those 4 haunting words: ‘The Sky is Everywhere’, as we were driving through Ohio in the middle of the night, that it would lead to the start of hour-long panic attack sessions in my 32nd year on this Earth. Mind you, an Earth that is round, and not flat, and has also played into these high intensity anxious moments. Thank you Captain Obvious for planting that seed 8 years ago. You are a gentleman and a scholar. No, really…you are. I simultaneously love and hate the fact that when there is a clear blue sky with no clouds in sight, it makes me not only think of you, but also fear for my life. You didn’t know the repercussions of that passing phrase, so I can’t blame you for saying it. I can’t blame you for anything. I can only blame myself for letting it get the best of me. Something happened. A switch got turned. My brain changed. It’s common knowledge that every 7 years, the body changes. To feel the need to tell yourself to breathe almost every second of every day while you’re awake for an entire year is exhausting. And, that’s just what I’ve been doing. I know what the problem is and have even been given tools to solve it, but yet, I am struggling to do so. What gives? Right now, being a passenger is not an option. I must be driving this car. I must be in control. When my fight or flight response is at its peak, I have physical manifestations to combat the feelings of out of control and wanting to jump out of my skin. Jerking my body, the need to swallow, stomping on the ground, and inching my way back and forth when stopped at a red light. I don’t want to be standing still when in panic mode. I need to move. Even if I go in the wrong direction of my destination…it doesn’t matter—I need to move. I get numb in the face and hyperventilation is the only thing keeping me alive at that point. A tightening of the chest muscles and a burning in my stomach leads to acid reflux even if I haven’t eaten anything in hours. The world is caving in. The sky is falling out from itself. This is it. I’m going to die while driving home from work today. Pause. Think about this for a moment. Nothing really bad is happening, it's all in your mind. Snap out of it, man. You're driving on the same road you've driven on over 100 times in the past. There's no reason to be scared. There's no reason to fear for your life. There's no reason to drive 90 miles an hour just because you can't bare the thought of being on this road any more. I wish I could explain this feeling better, but this is how it feels when in the thick of it, trapped in fear, and not having the right tools to get out of it quickly. This happens almost every day the sun and only the sun is out with no clouds in the sky. Sometimes, it even happens when there are a few clouds in the sky. Don't ask me why--I won't be able to explain it. Just accept it and move on. So, what's the moral of the story? Give each other the benefit of the doubt. Give each other the time of day. Spend a couple extra minutes listening to someone's story. You have no idea what they are going through. It might be something you can lean on when you are suffering with something no one can else can see or experience but you. Also, whenever you are outside and it's a beautiful day, I hope you think of me and say an extra prayer. I hope you think to yourself, 'I hope Jim is doing OK today'. What I wouldn't give if we got a little touch of the 'Seattle Syndrome' as I like to call it (where it rains and is cloudy/overcast for most of the year). I'd much rather be outside at this particular moment in time when there is some sort of cloud cover, a ceiling, if you will, to the sky. It helps calm my central nervous system, and makes me feel safe. The endless abyss of blue is too much for my brain to comprehend right now. If we are able to think of one another during a situation or experience like this, then maybe, just maybe, we'll grow closer as human race, and begin to tap into the more divine part of our earthly selves. The struggle is real. But, the struggle is worth it, for there are good days ahead.